I was immersed in a complex and challenging cognitive world that only neurotics understand.
I live alone in Japan, and my life is full of work that often requires me to travel between Japan and Taiwan.
This unique lifestyle allows me to shuttle between two completely different cultures, making my inner world more complicated.
"My dear, you know how beautiful that scenery is!" My eyes widened and I said to my husband passionately, trying to convey the breathtaking scenery to him through words.
However, his eyes were full of confusion, as if what I was seeing was another world that he couldn't understand. To me the landscape was so colorful and real, but to him it was just an ordinary sight.
"This is your lunacy again. You always take everything so exaggeratedly!" He took a long breath and frowned. This is a criticism I often face. He seems to be unable to adapt to my world and is even bored. I tried to understand his position, but at the same time I felt helpless because this was not just my choice, but a reality that I had no control over.
My lifestyle has intertwined me with different cultures, and this is reflected in my relationship with my husband. We got married in a hurry not long after we met, and I shuttled between Japan and Taiwan for many years, while he stayed in Taiwan for a long time. This lifestyle makes our relationship even more complicated.
In my neurotic cognition, every perception has been amplified and transformed again and again, as if I was in a strange hallucination. I tried to describe to him how I felt, but words couldn't seem to truly convey it. He obviously tried hard to understand, but the gap between us felt like an unbridgeable chasm.
"Why can't you understand and see things like a normal person?" There was a hint of impatience in my husband's voice. He was trying to understand the way I interact with the world.
For me, this is not a choice, but a reality beyond my control. I felt as if I was in a cursed realm, an alien realm that could not be understood.
"Maybe you should try how I feel, like walking into my world." I tried to suggest, but his eyes were still full of confusion.
To him, this is an unknowable and incomprehensible situation. I felt like a lone explorer trying to find a resonance in this unknown territory.
So, I continued to look at the world from my neurotic perspective, trying to find a balance between reality and illusion.
Every day, the conversation between my husband and I becomes an adventure to explore the edge of cognition, a spiritual journey that we participate in together. Perhaps the ultimate goal is not to let him understand my world, but to find resonance in this indescribable process.
However, as time passed, the friction between us continued to heat up. One day, when I tried to describe to him again a strange and beautiful scene in my eyes, his impatience broke out.
"You are simply a lunatic! You always only care about your fantasies and don't understand the real world at all!" His voice was full of anger, as if I was a trouble that made him extremely dissatisfied. I felt weak, stung by his words.
"Can you understand me? I didn't mean this!" I tried to defend myself, but he seemed to have fallen into his own emotional whirlpool and no longer listened to my explanation. This scene became a crack in our relationship, a crack that was unreachable.
Our conversations became increasingly distant, he began to avoid my topics, and I wandered ever more alone, in my neurotic world. I realized that we might not be able to share this unique cognitive realm, and all of this made me feel even more lonely. I tried to find a cure, but I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this unspeakable situation.
My work often requires flying between two places. This separation and distance make our marriage even more complicated. As time went by, I discovered that this marriage was not as beautiful as I imagined.
"You don't care about my life in Japan!" I roared, feeling helpless in my heart. He always stays in Taiwan, while I am constantly traveling. This one-sided separation makes me feel that the connection with him is gradually getting further away.
My husband's incomprehension and complaints filled me with frustration. He thought I was idealistic, but I felt he couldn't truly understand my unique circumstances. Every time we argued, I tried to let him see the beauty in my eyes, but his stubbornness made me feel more and more lonely.
"Would you like to fly over and see how I live in the environment I live in? Otherwise, how can our marriage continue due to the different cognitive gaps?" My voice was full of exhaustion, and he felt a sense of despair. The pressure of marriage and the cruelty of reality made me fall into endless struggle.
So, I began to escape from this reality. On the plane, I tried my best to immerse myself in my neurotic world and let those beautiful pictures fill my mind. However, whenever I return to reality, my husband's indifference and incomprehension always bring me back to the helpless reality.
One day, our quarrel became more intense, and the emotional outburst made the distance between us even wider. I suggested a separation, thinking that might be a solution to the problem. Although my heart is full of frustration, I also understand that this may be an inevitable ending.
In the days after our separation, I fell into a deeper loneliness. Living in Japan makes me more immersed in my fantasy world, looking for the peace that belongs only to me. However, the cruel reality of marriage still lingers in my mind and makes it difficult for me to let go.
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One day, my husband suddenly appeared in front of me. His eyes were full of apology and reluctance. We sat down and had an honest conversation. He admitted that he had ignored my feelings, and I admitted that I might have been too caught up in my fantasy.
"Maybe we all need to make some changes," he said softly, and those words gave me a glimmer of hope. We began to discuss together how to find balance in this marriage and how to understand each other better.
The adjustment during this time was not easy, but we gradually learned to respect each other's differences. I also began to cherish the beauty in reality more, instead of just being addicted to the world of neurosis.
In the end, we went through the ups and downs of this marriage and learned to cherish each other even more. This experience made me understand that marriage is not smooth sailing, but a place that requires the joint efforts of both parties.
Through mutual understanding and tolerance, we rediscovered our connection with each other and discovered the true value of marriage.
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One day, my husband suddenly appeared in front of me. His eyes were full of apology and reluctance. But instead of sitting down and talking, we just avoided each other, as if this could avoid unspeakable problems.
In this state of escape, we continue to live separate lives. Every time I fly back to Taiwan, I try to avoid meeting him as much as possible, immersing myself in the world of delicious food to avoid those insurmountable communication gaps.
However, such escape offers no real cure. The cracks in my marriage were getting bigger and bigger, and I was feeling more and more empty inside.
Perhaps this escape is only a temporary comfort that cannot solve the cognitive gap and emotional problems between us.
In this cognitive world full of challenges, I fell into an inner helplessness, a struggling feeling that we would not quarrel if we didn't meet.
This kind of escape did not allow me to find true peace, but made me even more lost in this unknown realm.
Perhaps only by facing the problem head-on and honestly facing each other's feelings can we truly find an exit in marriage.
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